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Via: Medium
Trump Tearfully Discusses His Embarrassing Toilet Problem. “I have to flush 15 times. Toilets designed for humans no longer work for me.”Trump Carves Out a Place on Mount Poopmore“Going Down the Drain” image by Steven Rouach There are many reasons that Melania Trump is usually located as far away from Donald as physics allows. Here are a few. She HATES him. He makes her want to vomit. She’s busy being fluent in seven different languages, six of which she, herself, invented. To allow her to spend time with her boyfriend, Hank from Tiffany’s, author of the book “How Not to Catch HPV From an Insane Man’s Wife & Other Life-Hacks” Donald’s horrifying bathroom problem. So, let’s examine reason 5 because it’s the funniest of the bunch. Donald can’t use a regular toilet like the rest of us. Gosh and golly -NO WONDER he’s so GRUMPY all the time! The other day, after taking enough LSD to kill the Walrus from the Beatles’ song “I am the Walrus”, Donald tearfully admitted that normal, human, toilets are insufficient for him. “I have to flush ten or fifteen times. Like a maniac would!” -Donald Trump. Inspiring words, indeed… Reminiscent of Winston Churchill’s iconic speech about “diarrhea” as London had German bombs falling onto it, or when President John F. Kennedy famously said, “We, as a country, will find a way to allow the astronauts to go to the bathroom in space so that they don’t all explode like frogs in a microwave!”. — John F. Kennedy Those statements still stand true today. Now, I’m a 6’ tall human male from Earth. I’m broad shouldered and weigh over 200 pounds. I don’t own golf courses built through the generosity of the Russian secret service. I don’t live lavishly in buildings where they’re currently frantically scrubbing my name off of the facades. I’m not a rich man who puts babies in prisons where some of them die. And YET, despite all that, I can successfully go to the bathroom like everyone else. I flush once when I’m done and everything always seems to work out just fine in the end. Everything disappears on it’s merry way to Staten Island. Like MAGIC! And yet rich Donald, happy to tear terrified, screaming, children away from their parents to lock them up as prisoners in insanely overcrowded, unsanitary, cages to drink toilet bowl water (oh, irony)… is SAD because he has to flush 15 times to extract the evil he oozes from his butt and his other orifices. I asked a leading specialist on digestion, Dr. Lenny Kravitz, about Trump’s need to destroy every bathroom he encounters and why he has to flush 12,000 gallons of water per day to wash away his droppings. Here was his response. “I’ve never seen anything like it in all my years of studying human digestion while also writing and singing music. My mama said, ‘That Trump fella poops more than he should and we should all be afraid’!”. — Dr. Lenny Kravitz Truly words to live by. So, what are our options? Well, we can all move to Canada where we can feel safe mocking Trump in public. Like living in a dream. Thus, Donald can have all of the USA’s supply of water to facilitate his stream of consciousness out of his ass. After having tackled problems like WINDMILLS CAUSING CANCER, and electric lights that make him look orange whenever he’s wearing bright orange make-up (like a lost-on-purpose member of KISS), Trump will now use his vast mental resources to have the EPA cordon off a significant amount water to fulfill his needs. So, EXCITED that we as humans need to ‘up our game’ when it comes to the science of toilets due to one terrifyingly insane poop-monster who lives amongst us and rules over us with lunacy? Will YOU take to the streets and march for toilets that can facilitate an elephant, and then, march to help elephants become extinct so we can use the elephant-toilets ourselves? Let us know in the comments below! Written by Steven W. Rouach FUN FACT: Every time you give a round of applause at the bottom of the page of one of my stories, I literally leap up and take a bow. True story. If You Follow Me, I Will Lead You Into Nonsense. Here’s my Facebook group (Join Us!!) https://ift.tt/2zc91w6 If you’d like to support my writing, please do so here: https://ift.tt/2zqRqRF Write to me at swrouach@gmail.com Trump Tearfully Discusses His Embarrassing Toilet Problem. was originally published in Extra Newsfeed on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.