Below is an extract of a post published on ExtraNews titled "Merry Impeachmas, Jolly Ole St. Dick and Your Merry Enablers"
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Via: ExtraNews
This Weak in Politics, Vol. 213 December 19, 2019 What a historic week this has been! Or is it “an historic week?’” which sounds awkward. But some say it is correct. All we know for sure is this type of grammar debate gives us an headache. And to mark it, we are proud to present you our last issue before Christmas and our first issue since our last one! We hope you have been nice as opposed to naughty, because as President Trump learned, if you are naughty this time of tear, Santa puts a lump of impeachment in your stocking. As you expect, this issue will be soberly and somberly dedicated to the fact that DONALD TRUMP WAS IMPEACHED!!!!!!! We should probably temper ourselves as we are impartial journalists. We should not have said DONALD TRUMP WAS IMPEACHED!!!!!!! even though DONALD TRUMP WAS IMPEACHED!!!!!!! From here on we will try to steer clear of this editorial bias. (Not to be confused with idiotorial bias, whichis the thing that makes Doug Collins and Gym Jordan yell gibberish at a rate of 11 words per second every time a camera comes on.) The news that was impeached could not have made Trump very happy — it was a fate he was hoping to avoid like paying taxes or testifying — but there is a bright side. The president loves when superlatives apply to him. So, to give him his due, we can honestly say Donald J. Trump is the first Republicanpresident ever impeached. He is also the only president impeached this century. Additionally, he is the oldest, heaviest, dumbest, and orangest president ever impeached. Had Richard M. Nixon not resigned just prior to certain impeachment, he would have given Trump a run for his money on that last one. Another difference between Nixon and Trump (aside from Trump being heavier, older as president, oranger, and impeachier) is that in Nixon’s the hearings were chock full of high-profile leaders, a veritable who’s who of American politics. In the Trumpian Republican Party, particularly when there are microphones and cameras involved, right-wing-trump-nuts practically fall over themselves for the opportunity to publicly tongue-wash Trump’s taint in the desperate hope that he will one day retweet the Breitbart story they tweeted out. Instead of a Who’s who?, it’s a Who? No, seriously, who? For example, who the hell are these guys? Ok, ok. We admit it. We stuck the dummy in that photo. We apologize and repost the photo without the dummy here. Alright, fine. We will officially stop tinkering with this photo. It’s immature. As for the actual vote on the articles of impeachment, it predictably went largely along party lines, though a couple of Democrats — including soon to be former Democrat Jefferson Beauregard Van Drouchenozzle — joined Republicans in opposing reality. Additionally, Tulsi Gabbard (D-Nizhny Novgorod) voted “present” as though she were answering the question “when do you think you are most annoying?” Baron von Jefferson Beauregard Van Drouchenozzle (R-NJ). And when we say “Baron,” we mean the title, not “he whose name shall never be spoken or else the legion of red-hatted snowflakes will melt quicker than Jefferson Beauregard Van Drouchenozzle (D R-NJ) in the face of a tough decision. Much of the “debate” on the floor of the house centered around what the founding fathers might think if they were part of these proceedings. Well, we are somewhat qualified ourselves to divine what the founding fathers might say today. (In fact, we have been called a (or is it an?) historian.) Without further ado, if the founding fathers were present at the hearings for the impeachment of Donald J. Trump, it is most likely they would say, “who is that guy yelling…and why isn’t he wearing a jacket?” They would also likely say “what the #$% is Oregon?” (We edited out the cuss word there as, really, the founding fathers wouldn’t swear. Except for Ben Franklin. Because he was the cool one.) The impeachment proceedings were actually helpful to a certain subset of people. People, for example, who have long wondered if anyone is above the law, or if any members of congress were elected to impeach a president. Those questions were answered hundreds of times. How the members’ speeches were received by the public largely fell along party lines as well. For example, here is how Republicans saw and heard Rep. Doug Collins (R-Annoying) vs how Democrats saw him. https://ift.tt/36TExj7 Collins seemed to have two points — that he used 57 minutes to communicate: Something about a clock and a calendar, and that this whole fiasco was an impeachment sham. No, Dougie Howser. THIS is an impeachment sham: Among the reasons Republicans have been calling the process an impeachment sham is because they note that Democrats don’t like Trump. Apparently you’re not allowed to impeach a president you don’t like. Further, you can’t impeach a president within 18 months of an election or an inauguration. And you can’t do so when the market is up or when a president is overseas. We’ve gone ahead and done the math on this, and we’ve determined the only legitimate impeachment of Trump would have occurred if Republican supporters of the president impeached him between 1pm and 4pm on December 30th of last year. Unfortunately, Devin Nunes was out of the country — meeting with Lev Parnas and Ukraine’s corrupt former prosecutor on that day. So that’s out too. Regardless of outcome (or “irregardless” as Doug “Clock and Calendar” Collins would say), Trump supporters are glad this part of the process is behind them. Now the president can get back to work on doing the American people’s business, like…tweeting, toilet flushing, fixing dishwaters, insulting dead congressmen and taunting their widows, and denying both food stamps and climate change. We can’t help but fear the worst is yet to come. Maybe Speaker Pelosi should have made a deal with the White House to avoid an impeachment blemish on the president’s otherwise blemished record. “We won’t impeach you, Mr. President, but I need you to do us a favor though, because our country has been through a lot…” And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where our president thinks he’s the reason Americans say, “Merry Christmas.” With that in mind, happy holidays to all of you! Happy Kwanza! Happy Hanukkah! Feliz Navidad! Merry Impeachmas! And a happy New Year! Or is it an happy New Year? The sentiment is the same, irregardless. If you enjoy reading TWITPOL please seek help. But please also follow us, “clap” for this story, recommend it, share it, tweet it, and do all sorts of other things the kids these days do. Follow us on Medium.com and on twitter: @sbouchard67 https://ift.tt/2NSvnOH Merry Impeachmas, Jolly Ole St. Dick and Your Merry Enablers was originally published in Extra Newsfeed on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
