Below is an extract of a post published on Medium titled "NY’s Bagel Guy Should’ve Been Invited to Host Trump’s Social Media Summit."
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It just seems logical…(Image compiled by author) New York is, in general, a horrible place. We live like LEGO. There’s garbage everywhere and HOT GARBAGE in the summer! We have rats here whose hobbies include being the size of Leonardo DiCaprio. “Pizza Rat ©” lives on the NY subway. He’s a real thing. If you see him, you have to forfeit your slice of pizza and give it to him. That’s the rule. There’s also “Pole Dancing Rat ©”, he dances on the poles on the F train defying logic, physics, and science. If you see him you’re supposed to ‘make it rain’ by showering him with dollar bills. The Official NYC / MTA Subway Guide says: “Thank you for riding the NYC subway system! Please convey our condolences to your families, (if you can, from the afterlife, via psychics or Ouija Boards). — If you, somehow, survived your trip, please immediately seek medical assistance for the stab wounds you will have about your head and body, coupled with psychiatric care for the PTSD you’ve gotten from riding on the NYC subway system, as well as your pre-existing suicidal tendencies that caused you to ride the NYC subway in the first place”. Then there are the people here. We’re unique. Here’s a typical NYC exchange of pleasantries. Tourist: “Good morning…” Native New Yorker: “I’ll punch your f****n’ heart out of your chest! Get away from me, you f*****n’ f**k! Of course not ALL New Yorkers would have had such a verbal response. In fairness, I’d admit that many here would’ve reacted to the very pleasant and polite tourist by just stabbing him in the face with a broken bottle instead. So, why do we stay here? One word. BAGELS. There is one place on Earth to get a proper bagel and that place is NY. The reason? WATER. You see, the water here, unlike all other US states, has a very high percentage of WATER in it. NY water is top-notch stuff. And so, our bread (which includes pizza dough, Italian bread, Semolina, and ESPECIALLY BAGELS), is effing amazing! So, let’s discuss NY’s Newest Celebrity, “Angry Bagel Guy”. Recently, a video went viral of a man giving a passionate, and thought-provoking, monologue — about the plight of being ‘height challenged’ in our current society. He included poignant quotes from Shakespeare, Tolstoy, Martin Luther King, and Churchill, sprinkled with witticisms from Oscar Wilde. He made many of us aware of an overt or subconscious hostility towards shorter stature people that exists and raised awareness of it to the betterment of all society. Okay, I jumped the gun and wrote about the video before watching it. What really happened was a guy went ‘Full-Metal-Goofy’ in a bagel store, yelling and ranting about WOMEN!, other women, people who smirk at him, dating sites, and then he annoyed and inconvenienced everyone by making them wait longer for their bagels until some dude came over and bopped him on the head to make him stop. FUN FACT: 99.7% of all NY based events conclude this way. 1. There’s a fuss. 2. Someone bops someone else on the head to end the fuss. 3. Everyone goes on about their day. https://ift.tt/2JxItxe So, I’m here to help this man. Dude, women aren’t hostile to you and people don’t smirk at you because of your height. They do so because you act like a MANIAC. You say crazy things in public in a loud and disruptive way, and I’ll just go ahead and assume your dating-site skills might be lacking the ‘having skills’ part. Women aren’t men. They’re nowhere near as shallow and idiotic as we are as a general rule. I’ve seen women date short, tall, thin, fat, bald, hairy, rich, poor, guys. ESPECIALLY IN NY. The women in NY are mostly attractive and yet the guys here look like they just came up from the sea after scaring all the creatures that live there. The woman at the counter in that NY bagel store had seen all shapes and sizes of people and you only stood out — due to your intent to stand out. THEN, my Journalistic Instincts started tingling. (This is an after-effect of being bitten by Stephen Miller which is why I’m now also able to cling to walls). I decided to dig deeper. I needed to get to the bottom of this story in a way that facilitated not leaving my apartment. And I found out that Bagel Guy is actually a dude named Chris Morgan who posts videos up on his YouTube channel. The films are quite reminiscent of Federico Fellini’s work in the period when he escaped from an asylum and sampled different strains of LSD in a taste-test before filming. The titles include “F*****g With Mike the Jew”, and its critically acclaimed sequel, “F*****g With Mike the Jew Part II” which answered all the burning questions left over from part 1. There is a film where he has an unsettling confrontation with a librarian called “Patchogue Library in Denial” Then he has a series of films called “Blues Gone Wild” parts 1–19 which are about fishing, although many fans of the series feel the quality has dipped after part 13. Chris Morgan The Bagel Store video, however, wasn’t his own production but a case of a filmmaker being filmed. So, what have we learned? It’s not nice to make fun of or disparage people because of their appearance. The people responding to this guy on social media made a lot of jokes about his height which are indeed mean, and uncool. The police seem to become involved in many of his films leaving me to wonder if they were ever compensated for their performances via SAG or any other actors’ guild. Many of us now wonder how this will affect the production of the eagerly anticipated “F*****g With Mike the Jew Part III” the last part of the “F*****g With Mike the Jew” trilogy. Donald Trump held a “Media Summit” to discuss how unfair it is that social media platforms don’t allow ‘Free Speech’ promoting racism, and ‘free speech’ about exterminating all Jewish people. So, he gathered Trump-Supporting luminaries such as Satan, Beelzebub, Moloch, Ba’al, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, and Representative Matt Gaetz, of Florida whose most famous previous appearance was when he possessed the body of a young D.C. girl named Regan in “The Exorcist” and had to be expelled by two local Jesuit priests, Father Merrin, and Father Damien Karras. Trump also had Diamond and Silk attend. For clarity, they’re the two women who invented the ALL-PCP DIET, where people can lose weight by cutting out all fats, sugars, protein, fiber, and gluten by only ingesting large doses of Angel Dust while video blogging. Trump discussed such pressing issues as “2020 Democrats” and “Arnold Schwarzenegger”. He also mentioned a dislike of flies in an attempt to unite this divided country. Trump went on to praise farmers who are willing to die of starvation due to his Tariff War with China. However, nowhere to be seen at this summit — were the views and interests of Bagel Guy-Chris Morgan. Fishing. Rude 7–11 clerks. Library controversies. That guy who owes him money, Albert Colao (the con artist). The bird who stole his popcorn. — None of this was brought up! It seems a truly wasted opportunity. Written by Steven W. Rouach FUN FACT: Every time you give a round of applause at the bottom of the page of one of my stories, I literally leap up and take a bow. True story. If You Follow Me, I Will Lead You Into Nonsense. Here’s my Facebook group (Join Us!!) https://ift.tt/2zc91w6 If you’d like to support my writing, please do so here: https://ift.tt/2zqRqRF swrouach@gmail.com ©2019 SWRouach NY’s Bagel Guy Should’ve Been Invited to Host Trump’s Social Media Summit. was originally published in Extra Newsfeed on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
