Below is an extract of a post published on ExtraNews titled "Hero President Plans To Invent, Then “Fix,” Five More Fake Crises In 2019"
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Make america great again.- Donald Trump.
What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the fight in the dog.- Dwight D. Eisenhower.
The best executive is the one who has sense enough to pick good men to do what wants done, and self-restraint to keep from meddling with them while they do it.- Theodore Roosevelt.
Discipline is the soul of an army. It makes small numbers formidable; procures success to the weak and esteem to all.- George Washington.
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Via: ExtraNews
Truth In SatireAhead of the 2020 election, expect the president to create these doomsday scenarios only to make them magically disappearHe makes problems go away as quickly as he creates them. (Credit: www.dailyhawker.com) Some really scary shit of his own making is about to happen in 2019, but don’t worry, our hero president will not only find a way to invent these terrifying scenarios, he’ll make them vanish before the 2020 election. Guaranteed! “NORTH KOREA HAS A NUKE AIMED AT LOS ANGELES!” President Nervous Nelly goes on national television in July with the horrible news that Kim Jong-Un is about to launch a celebrity-incinerating bomb at LA. But, wait, President The-Sky-Is-Falling says he thinks he can make a “great deal” with his good friend, Rocket Man. He rushes over to North Korea, pulls the groggy, North Korean strongman out of bed for an internationally-televised, midnight handshake, and Hollywood is good to go for another pilot season. Score three point gain for Trump’s approval rating! “RUSSIA IS GOING TO SPIKE AMERICA’S DRINKING WATER WITH THE DEADLY NOVICHOK NERVE AGENT!” We find out in August that we’re all going to die! But wait, President Catastrophe covertly created a back channel to Moscow in 2016 via his brilliant aide and errand boy Jared Kushner. Now, using his super-sized, amazing negotiating skills, President Evil-Is-Everywhere goes under the table with Dictator Putin and comes out with a mouthful of male reproductive fluid and a plan to trade U.S. military secrets to the Kremlin in exchange for them putting the cork back on their Novichok bottle. Disaster averted. It’s safe to drink our water again (except in Flint). Trump enjoys six percent uptick in popularity while Russia denies any attempt to taint America’s reservoirs. “VENEZUELA IS SENDING 150 MILLION ANGRY ILLEGALS TO OUR SOUTHERN BORDER!” Yikes, it’s a brown invasion of job robbers. Despite this alarming news coming out of the White House in October, President Day-of-Dread has a “full proof plan” to stop the Venezuelan wave. He threatens Colombia, Brazil, and Guyana, all countries sharing a border with Venezuela, with “big, crushing tariffs” if they don’t keep the 150 million “criminal chamos” from escaping their country. When the fleeing Venezuelan millions fail to ever reach the U.S., President Darth Hater declares victory and celebrates a two-point pop in his job ratings. In turn, Venezuela points out that its total population is only 32 million people, so could never have sent 150 million of its citizens to the U.S. — to which the liar-in-chief tweets “Fake News!” “CHINA IS COMING FOR OUR BABIES!” This chilling assessment is made by President Raise-The-Alarm in December. He claims China needs our babies “to work in their rundown, dangerous, 50’s-era factories.” This strikes fear in families gathering for the holidays and they plead with President Benedict Donald to use his superhuman powers to thwart the Chinese baby snatchers. He dispatches Jared Kushner to China to open another secret back channel, and works quickly to strike a “truly historic deal with my great friend Xi Jinpingpong.” President Donnie Bratso then arranges to send 150 million Venezuelans to China to work in their factories, while sending all of American’s illegal aliens to Venezuela to repopulate their country. China’s baby bandits retreat to Beijing, The Lyin’ King announces a “win, win, win, win, win for America!,” and he scores another couple percentage points to his favorability rating. “A DEADLY METEOR IS FIREBALLING ITS WAY TOWARD EARTH!” President Fearmonger announces in November that he just spoke with NASA and a “very big, very dangerous” meteor is headed toward earth. President Calamity drives directly to weapons maker Lockheed Martin, demands that they fire a missile at the careening bolide, and subsequently blows it out of the atmosphere just in time to save the world. While no scientific observatory can confirm that a meteor was ever headed this way, the president hails himself as a planetary hero. Five points added to his approval rating! Trump’s final approval numbers — a whopping 120% of Americans love him, according to the White House press office. **** Thanks for reading. You can find more laughs from me here and here. Hero President Plans To Invent, Then “Fix,” Five More Fake Crises In 2019 was originally published in Extra Newsfeed on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
