Below is an extract of a post published on Medium titled "I’m Desperately Trying to Get Ass-Aficionado Devin Nunes to Sue Me!"
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I’m Desperately Trying to Get Ass-Aficionado Devin Nunes to Sue Me!The King of Sucking Giant Bags of Ass Leaves me… Behind.The Many Moods of Devin Nunes! Oh, I’ve said horrible, horrible, things about Devin Nunes. Things that point out how much he’s like a worm with a hairdo, and a disgrace, and an abhorrent being who lessens us all with his existence. I’ve only said these things in order to share that information, and hopefully, in a best-case scenario, also shame his family. For reference, here’s a candid, un-doctored, photo of Devin Nunes’ family. We. Are. Family! — Devin Nunes is Our Disease! I know. Very upsetting. I felt that way too… So, Devin Nunes took time from his busy schedule of idiotically attempting to obstruct justice in very high profile cases that involve national security, in order to sue the entire internet for not being nice to him. This echoes Donald J. Trump’s* recent unsettling rant about how the FCC needs to force the TV to only say nice things about him. *(Mr. Trump now prefers to be called by his NEW Rap Music nickname, D.J. Stable Genius Butt-Hole-Vortex East & The Flunky Bunch!) Nunes & His New Lawyer. Now, as many of us already know, Devin Nunes is what asemi-sentient ooze thinks of when you ask it to picture an unlikable jellyfish made of bacteria, but one that’s also a snake and a traitor to its own country. In recent polls, Nunes has been called “less popular than anal polyps”, and “less sexy than a dead hamster floating in a bowl of spiders and curdled milk”. Very sobering statements, indeed. Devin Nunes also looks after the interests of his own constituents in the same way The Flu looked after the interests of Jim Henson. Obviously, after all the time and effort I’ve put into relentlessly mocking Devin Nunes over the past two years, I’m pretty surprised he’s not coming after ME. I feel sort of left out…So, I’ve compiled a list of things about Devin Nunes that WE CAN’T PROVE AREN’T TRUE! (You’re Welcome). I can’t prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Devin Nunes doesn’t periodically lick Ted Nugent clean, providing the only acts of hygiene ever performed on, or by, Ted Nugent. I can’t prove that Devin Nunes wasn’t created by using the original Hanna Barbera cartoon cells of The Flintstones, covering them in sewage, and then praying to Satan to birth some unholy thing from them that completely sucks in every way possibly imaginable. I can’t prove, despite my vast resources, that Devin Nunes hasn’t spent a wild weekend at a lover’s resort with Mike Pence where they first killed a whole bunch of hobos and drifters, and then enjoyed romantic accommodations like the champaign-glass shaped hot-tub together. I can’t prove that Devin Nunes isn’t a cannibal, as I haven’t been able to, or even allowed to, monitor his diet! WHAT’S HE TRYING TO HIDE? Answer: Possibly Cannibalism?!?… WE JUST DON’T KNOW! So, with all that in mind, I hope Devin Nunes includes me in his hilarious legal endeavors, and do hope he can also prove he doesn’t steal babies to sell on the black market.Baby Thief, Devin Nunes. Written by Steven W. Rouach, and dedicated to (alleged) baby-thief Devin Nunes. swrouach@gmail.com ©2019 SWRouach I’m Desperately Trying to Get Ass-Aficionado Devin Nunes to Sue Me! was originally published in Extra Newsfeed on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
