Below is an extract of a post published on Medium titled "New York City Has Close Encounter, Greets Alien Life Forms, Dissuades Them From Meeting Trump!"
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Make america great again.- Donald Trump.
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“Are you guys always like this?…” — Says Alien Life Form New York is a dangerous place. For clarity, here’s the entire instruction pamphlet that NYC.Gov and the MTA give out on “How to Successfully Ride the N.Y.C. Subway System. (An informative guide!)” Try not to get murdered riding on the subway*. (*Your ghost gets trapped here). No loud radio playing. After you’re stabbed, try to be considerate to your fellow passengers about bleeding — by covering your arterial spurts with your hand, unless you’re already unconscious, (or had your hand cut off by a man with a machete who wanted your Apple Watch, and yet, didn’t want to wait for you to remove it). Whatever train you’re waiting for, to be murdered on, isn’t coming. Ever. You’ll have to take a train in the exact opposite direction while being only partially murdered, then drag your almost lifeless body onto four other trains, depending on how well you can tie a tourniquet while bleeding profusely. If you see Pizza Rat©, he has automatic rights to any pizza you are holding. Thank you for riding the N.Y.C. Subway System, and our sincere condolences to your loved ones. So, yeah, New York kind of sucks. It wasn’t always like this. Once it was a jewel… a flawed and beautiful diamond where I rarely saw swastikas and the subways were less over-the-top thrilling. Less racist rants, and less people washing their butts with a bottle of water in a full train car of terrified and horrified civilians. I’ve seen this. With my EYES. A man in the subway car I was in suddenly pulled down his pants, and in a very emotional and poignant tribute to France, he proceeded to wash his derriere with his make-shift portable bidet. He washed his butt. On the train. While cursing. It only made #14 on my “20 weirdest things I’ve seen on the subway” list. See, that’s the thing. New York ALWAYS had homeless people and mentally ill people. It’s actually where they belong. You can’t go to a small, quaint, town and yell “THE POPE STOLE MY SOCKS! I TALKED TO THE SQUIRRELS AND THEY TOLD ME WHO CONTROLS THE WORLD!” at people, while pant-less. The local sheriff will just hit you over the head with a shovel and toss you into a lake. In N.Y., however, you wouldn’t even get a second glance. The same way seemingly average people have started acting like complete maniacs, just… like… horrible, horrible, jerks, letting it “all hang out”,… well, the mentally ill and homeless have followed suit. EVERYONE’S line of decorum is lowered. All New Yorkers had a silent agreement for the past few centuries. “You’re only allowed to act like THIS much of a dick”. And most of us stuck to it. That line is gone. Here, and all over the country. So, since we, as New Yorkers, are used to screaming, and sirens, and mayhem, it really wasn’t a big deal when NY was invaded by aliens. Extraterrestrials, — not the illegal-aliens that Trump’s so terrified of he has them killed as children in the make-shift baby-prisons he invented. I’m talking actual, alien, life forms. See, there was a BANG. All of us here in N.Y. just assumed we’d been shot, but only some of us were, in unrelated incidents. And THEN… this. (Jeenah Moon/Bloomberg) The WHOLE ENTIRE SKY turned a weird hue of Technicolor-blue. Comments in NYC at the time were, “Huh… well, it’s none of my business…”, and “Damn extraterrestrial aliens always coming here to swipe our women!” and “I’M WALKIN’ HERE!” It didn’t really phase us… Then reports came in that — Con-Ed had an electric terminal explode, and it is not, repeat, it is NOT an alien invasion. And that’s the exact moment all of us here knew there was an alien invasion. (David Newman)(Pictured) “OH, it’s FINE…” — Said no one in N.Y. So, once our Mayor, who no one has ever seen, sent out his statement with the old Con-Ed… Something… and Not an Alien Invasion -Gag, I knew life forms from another world were amongst us. My nose-for-news went to high-alert. I set out to somehow interview them by using the kind of diligence, cleverness, and good, old-fashioned, roll-up-the-sleeves-hard work, that doesn’t involve me ever leaving my apartment. (It is these kinds of traits and journalistic instincts that have me commonly be referred to as “The Edward R. Murrow of This Generation”). Sadly, I did have to leave my apartment in Bensonhurst Brooklyn and go all the way to Manhattan to see the UFO and blue, weird, ectoplasm, in order to find the invading aliens. They could have landed in South Brooklyn, but there’s a growing new trend to inconvenience me, and I guess they wanted to adapt to our customs… Then I saw one. I won’t accurately call him a “he”… even though his name was Hector “Macho Camacho” Golzethorpe, the alien’s strangeness made its gender difficult to assume. So, when they invade us, we’ll have to factor them into any controversial bathroom-gender discussions as they harvest us for food. Here’s a verbatim transcript of our discussion. Me: So… hello. Would you say you’re more here to eat us, or more here to dissect us? I’d love to know what to expect. And, if you have a death-ray I’d love for you to hold off, — I just got into VR gaming and it’s so awesome that I was hoping to have a few more months to live… Hector “Macho Camacho” Golzethorpe: Are you people always like this? Me: — Sadly, yes. Hector “Macho Camacho” Golzethorpe: We asked to be taken to your leader. Your military told us your leader left in 2016, and you really haven’t filled the position yet. Me: That sounds about right… we’ve had… a lot of stuff going on. Hector “Macho Camacho” Golzethorpe: They said some kind of simian, or farm-creature, infested the domicile that serves as your leader’s habitat, and they’re working on fumigating and sanitizing it before bringing a new one in. Me: Wouldn’t you? Hector “Macho Camacho” Golzethorpe: Good point. Me: So, why are you here? Hector “Macho Camacho” Golzethorpe: We were hoping to get Pizza Rat’s autograph… We watch him on TheyTube, and we all love him where I’m from. Written by Steven W. Rouach. FUN FACT: Every time you give a round of applause at bottom of the page of one of my stories, I literally leap up and take a bow. True story. If You Follow Me, I Will Lead You Into Nonsense. Here’s my Facebook group (Join Us!!) http://bit.ly/2zc91w6 If you’d like to support my writing, please do so here: http://bit.ly/2zqRqRF swrouach@gmail.com ©2018 SWRouach New York City Has Close Encounter, Greets Alien Life Forms, Dissuades Them From Meeting Trump! was originally published in Extra Newsfeed on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
