Bedraggled Michael Cohen Begs Court For “Shower, Shave And A Few Hours Sleep”



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Via: Medium

Truth In SatireTrump’s lawyer and personal fixer gets short reprieve before returning to Mueller’s basement for resumption of interrogationA roughed-up, disheveled, and starving Michael Cohen leaves federal court in Manhattan on Thursday. (Credit: abcnews.come) Looking like he’d been waterboarded and deprived of sleep for the past three months, President Trump’s longtime lawyer and full-time fixer Michael Cohen appeared in court on Thursday to share more of what he knows about the president’s crimes. Mr. Cohen was given a bite of sandwich and allowed a short power nap before the resumption of torture.(Credit: nydailynews.com) After confessing to lying to Congress and striking a new plea deal with special prosecutor Robert Mueller, a disheveled, filthy, mumbling Cohen begged the presiding judge to allow him “a shower, shave, a few hours sleep, and maybe a sandwich, if you please.” Manhattan federal judge Mary Peccant permitted Mr. Cohen a few bites of a corned beef sandwich and a sip of Coke before having him removed to a waiting Suburban where he was expected to return to Mr. Mueller’s specially outfitted basement chamber in Washington for the resumption of waterboarding and other brutal interrogation techniques. Most who got near him in Manhattan federal court agreed that Mr. Cohen needed a shower. (Credit: www.newsweek.com) While Mr. Cohen was never a perky looking fellow, his untidy appearance and lethargic demeanor alarmed friends and relatives who were there to support him in court. “Mike looks like he’s been worked over pretty good,” said his uncle, Morris Littman, also an attorney and a fixer for presidents in the past. “Mueller wants my nephew to sing like a canary, and since Mike’s a weak person, the torture will probably be effective. President Trump should be very worried.” Other family members who have known Mr. Cohen since childhood believe that Mr. Mueller should forego torture and get the president’s former lawyer to talk by offering him a treat. It is not known whether the president may try to buy Mr. Cohen’s silence with pudding from Eisenberg’s Deli in NYC, Mr. Trump’s hometown. (Credit: nypost.com) “Tapioca pudding,” suggested his cousin Phil. “He’s a total sucker for it. As a kid, we would get him to tell us where he hid his allowance money for just a few teaspoons of tapioca. That would work much better than waterboarding, I think, especially if the pudding is from Eisenberg’s Deli in Manhattan.” Contacted by phone, a representative from Eisenberg’s Deli said that no one from Mr. Mueller’s office had been in to procure a quantity of the persuasive pudding. **** Thanks for your claps. Always appreciated. I read all your comments and answer as many as possible. Go here or here or to read two popular past posts. For my original Trump-themed book of satire, visit allanishac.com. More Trump humor at allanishac.com. Bedraggled Michael Cohen Begs Court For “Shower, Shave And A Few Hours Sleep” was originally published in Extra Newsfeed on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.


Bedraggled Michael Cohen Begs Court For “Shower, Shave And A Few Hours Sleep”

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